Setting Healthy Boundaries with Family and Society
Introduction: Why Boundaries Are Essential in Interracial Relationships
What are boundaries, and why are they important? The word “boundaries” has been overused on the internet, like a lot of therapy talk, making its actual meaning hard to figure out. Real boundaries are limits that we set to express our needs and expectations to the people we have relationships with. Without clear boundaries, we open ourselves up to resentment, stress, burnout, and emotional exhaustion.
The more connections that we have with others, the more boundaries we will need. If someone has no meaningful interpersonal relationships, and their only interactions come from coworkers or people at the grocery store, normal social boundaries will most likely align with their personal boundaries. However, when we are surrounded by friends, family, and significant others, we increase the amount of external pressure around us.
For people in interracial relationships, there is an added layer of pressure and intrusion that people face, both from society and from their loved ones (more about this here). It becomes, then, even more essential to set clear boundaries and stick to them. Without boundaries, your relationship can begin to see emotional strain, guilt, and tension.
Recognizing When Boundaries Are Needed
Not all relationships need the same boundaries – your mother may never ask when you plan to have kids, while your mother-in-law may never stop asking, so setting the same boundary for both wouldn’t make sense. Also, some people are more bothered by certain behaviours than others, so not everyone draws the same boundaries. This can make it more difficult to recognize when boundaries need to be established. One way to tell if there is an issue is to ask yourself if your loved ones are acting like you have the final say about decisions in your own life. For example, if your parents have mentioned repeatedly that they would prefer you to date someone of your race, and you have said that you value their opinion, but you love your partner and will be staying with them, then they should respect that. If, instead, your parents continue to not hear or respect your thoughts, this could be a good time for a boundary.
Everyone’s specific threshold for family participation in their lives will be different, and that’s fine! It is often a cultural difference, however, which can be an issue in intercultural relationships. You may feel like your partner’s family is constantly interfering with your lives, while they may feel like this is a perfectly normal level of family bonding. In cases like that, your boundaries may lay more with your partner than their family, such as “I do not have the emotional bandwidth to handle talking to your mother ten times a day, I need to take a less active role.” If your partner has an issue with this, talk about it! Can you come to a compromise? Do they want your help because it exhausts them too? If so, the boundary may have to extend to the family.
When you interact with a loved one, ask yourself:
· Was I made to defend my partner or choices repeatedly, like I can’t make my own decisions?
· Did I feel physically uncomfortable or intimidated?
· Was I blamed or guilted for things that were either not my fault or that had already been resolved?
· Was I badgered about personal information that I did not want to give?
· Were my wants, needs, feelings, and thoughts treated with respect and care?
If you answered “yes” to any of these, or you didn’t want to answer because the question made you feel sad or uncomfortable, it might be time to reflect on what boundaries are being walked over.
Communicating Boundaries Effectively
Once you have established what the boundaries should be, you need to communicate them to your family, which can be a much harder task. One thing you can do before going to your family is talk about boundary setting with a therapist, to get expert input on your specific situation (make an appointment here!). Second, practicing is always helpful, with your therapist, your partner, or an understanding friend. This helps build confidence and a type of muscle memory of standing your ground. Also, choose your wording and boundaries to be what YOU are comfortable with, not what you think other people think is “better” or more “normal” based on their cultural contexts.
Focus on being FIRM and DIRECT, without being confrontational or unkind. If you are not firm, the discussion may come across as a negotiation, and without directness, your loved ones will end up confused. However, starting with aggression or assuming the worst can lead to defensiveness. Additionally, phrase your boundaries as things YOU will be doing, not them. For example, instead of saying “you cannot talk about how interracial marriage is ruining Canada,” you can simply say “if anyone talks to me about how interracial relationships are bad, I will walk away.”
Managing Guilt and Family Expectations
The most important thing to remember after setting boundaries is to be consistent with them. It will be hard, but challenge yourself to do what you say you will, even when it’s difficult due to family resistance or guilt-tripping. You can acknowledge your family’s concerns or validate their feelings without budging on your boundaries. It’s also good to bring your partner as emotional backup and be prepared to leave if it becomes too overwhelming. After having difficult boundary conversations, treat yourself to some self-care. You did something difficult and should get a reward!
One specific hurdle with boundaries is that, for people within a collectivist culture, boundaries are never articulated. Collectivist cultures stress the importance of social and familial happiness, cohesion, and respectfulness over individual needs. If someone within this culture asks for their boundaries to be respected, it may come across as selfish, disrespectful, and destabilizing for the family. You must be prepared for potential pushback if you come from a collectivist culture, but hope is not lost.
Framing boundaries as a benefit to the group could be helpful, especially if there is an implied boundary that an elder member of the family has. You can point out that no one ever hugs Aunt Kim because she doesn’t like it, and that is a boundary. These boundaries are not individuals putting their needs above the needs of the group, but individuals making sure that they are at 100% for the benefit of the group. If your family is open to it, you could ask if anyone else has any boundaries that they would like to share to make the group better. You may be surprised at what people spend their entire lives gritting their teeth about because they didn’t know they were allowed to say anything!
Of course, this framing may not change their opinions, and you may have to simply reiterate your boundaries and remain consistent in the face of their pushback. In this case, however, the best thing you can do is show them you are still just as much a part of the collective, with or without your boundaries.
Conclusion: Moving Forward with Confidence and Clarity
No matter where you are on the path to setting boundaries with your loved ones, you are taking a big step forward in your own mental health journey. Setting boundaries is acknowledging that your needs are important, and that you require something different than you’re getting now. Boundaries will create stronger, healthier, and more fulfilling relationships with everyone around you.
If you would like to speak with a therapist about how to set boundaries in your own specific situation, make an appointment using the button below.
