The Myth of the Perfect Tradition
Expectations vs Reality
In general, when you are building a life with someone, you have to make compromises about everything. Which cupboard do you put plates in? Where do you go on vacation? What temperature do you keep the house at? With cultural traditions, these compromises are harder to deal with.
The most important thing to do is talk about it! There are many spring holidays coming up, as well as March break, the end of the school year, and so many spring and summer activities. Your family of origin did these things a specific way, which leads you to have certain expectations (sometimes subconsciously!) and you will be disappointed if you don’t talk about what you want or expect.
You and your partner will both have to lower your expectations a little — unfortunately, holidays, vacations, and summer as an adult are never as fun as we remember, and any compromise you make will take it further away from your ideal. The goal here, though, is to come up with the best ideal for you as a couple!
It is especially important here to reflect on what traditions or childhood experiences you want to continue because YOU want to, independently of what your family may expect. While it is challenging to do, especially based on how some cultures raise children, becoming an adult and forming your own household is the perfect time to decide if you’re continuing something because you find it valuable, or just because it is expected of you. It can be hard to separate our feelings of how things “should” be from how we want things to go, but doing that work will make you much happier in the long run.
Discussing things in advance will allow you both to think about what aspects of your traditions you care about the most, what can be skipped, and what can be adapted. These conversations can be challenging, especially if you have been doing things a certain way for a long time, and are just now thinking that you would like things to change. It’s never too late or too early in a relationship for a renegotiation of plans and expectations. If you would like additional support when discussing this, a couple’s therapy appointment can provide structure, focus, and guidance.
Michelle on TV!
Did you Catch Michelle on CP24 Breakfast?
On February 17th, Michelle was invited to be on CP24’s breakfast show to talk about the best way to celebrate the Lunar New Year as an interracial or intercultural couple. For many East Asian communities, Lunar New Year is an important holiday that highlights family connections and traditions passed down through generations. However, when one partner or family member is not East Asian, this time can be filled with tension, instead. Both partners may have questions like:
Whose traditions take priority?
How can I participate without feeling like an outsider?
Can I ask my partner to participate in my traditions?
When people are feeling uncertain in this way, they often don’t want to talk about their fears, which can lead to frustration, resentment, and disconnection. If the partner who celebrates is not sure how to ask their partner to participate, they might come across as unwelcoming. If the partner who does not celebrate is not sure if they are allowed to participate, they may seem uninterested in their partner’s traditions. These miscommunications can lead to a further lack of understanding, as people don’t usually want to open up to people who they think are acting unwelcoming or uninterested in them.
What can we do about it?
Michelle has three great tips:
If you celebrate the holiday, let the ones you love know ahead of time how important it is for you, and express what you need.
Your loved ones cannot read your mind, and it will save them from stress and you from disappointment if you tell them what aspects of celebrating are important to you.
This could include something like asking for them to attend a family gathering and learn about some of the traditions.
Introduce your partner, your family and friends to items that have cultural significance and show them how they are used during celebrations.
Approaching cultural traditions from this perspective can allow people to become more open, take their guard down, and be willing to ask questions.
For Lunar New Year, red pockets, traditional sweets, food, and decorations can help to open conversations in a safe, fun and experiential way.
Be open to blending traditions.
When something you celebrate happens at the same time as another loved one’s traditions, there is usually a way to do both. This approach allows everyone to feel represented while honoring cultural traditions and personal values, which helps everyone stay emotionally connected.
