What are Microaggressions?
Microaggressions are subtle, everyday remarks, conversations, or behaviours that communicate an implied negative message. In the case of racial microaggressions, the negative message is usually one filled with hostile or violent connotations. These microaggressions stem from, and reinforce, prejudices, biases, and stereotypes.
Some common examples of microaggressions are:
Telling jokes with racist undertones or assumptions.
“A black man, a white man, and an Asian man walk into a bar…” Whatever follows a setup like that requires you to fill in many assumptions about those men.
Mocking or reacting strongly to unfamiliar things from a partner’s culture.
“Ewwwww this food smells TERRIBLE!”
Imitating a strong accent or pretending to speak their language
Minimizing someone’s emotional or lived experience, concerns, memories, or perceptions.
“Are you sure that’s what they meant? They’re so nice, I bet they actually meant to ask where your parents live, not where are you from?”
Comparing what someone is going through to something worse, implying they have no reason to complain.
“Yes, they had security follow you around the store but imagine living 100 years ago! You’re so lucky, this is nothing!”
Dismissing cultural, religious, or personal values.
“Do people really believe that?! That’s crazy!”
If someone in your relationship is subjecting the other to microaggressions, it is (hopefully) unintentional and due to subconscious biases. But knowing that the intentions may not be bad is not enough. What can be done to fix the problem?
Recognizing Microaggressions in Your Relationship
Microaggressions can have a large emotional impact, sometimes contributing to depression, anxiety, and a lack of behavioural control, and leading to an unhealthy relationship dynamic. At their core, microaggressions indicate a disregard for the other person – their culture, experiences, and feelings. Hopefully within relationships, the microaggressions are motivated more by ignorance than malice, but the partner forced to listen to this damaging rhetoric is experiencing harm regardless. This will ultimately create tension and erase trust.
If you’re reading this, you’ve already succeeded in step one: acknowledge there may be room to improve. If you think you have no room to improve, it’s easy to think that none of this applies to you. Once you realize this could be a problem for you (because everyone has biases), start reflecting on possible unconscious biases and their effect on your relationship.
Addressing Microaggressions with Your Partner
If you are in the position of having microaggressions directed at you by your partner, it can be hard to address it, especially if you have tried before and they responded with dismissal. Here are a few tips:
Try putting your thoughts in order ahead of time, so that you can be clear and have examples if asked.
The first time (or the first time in a while) that you discuss this, do so when no one is upset or angry, and let your partner know you want a serious discussion.
If someone is in an interracial relationship, they most likely believe themselves to be anti-racist. Bringing up their recurring microaggressions will very likely trigger defensiveness. Soften the blow by beginning your discussion with retelling an anecdote where you realized you had subconscious biases or mentioning that you know they will take this well because they have worked so hard to overcome other biases.
Unless you no longer want to be with your partner, the goal should be to educate them – tell them why the microaggression is a problem, why it hurts, and how it makes you feel. You can also ask questions, like “what do you mean to express when you say ___?”
Use phrases like
“I know that this isn’t taught in school, but historically this joke/word/assumption comes from…”
“Obviously you don’t mean it like this, but when I hear ___, I hear ‘you don’t matter’.”
“I would NEVER compare you to these people normally, but when you joke about ___, it makes me feel like I married my high school bully.”
Creating a Safe and Inclusive Relationship Dynamic
Being aware of your biases is a great start. However, learning to challenge your biases in your relationship can be difficult, since you’ve had your whole life to learn them. Make sure that you communicate to your partner that their pain matters to you, and you are never trying to hurt them. Ask them to tell you when you have hurt them, so you can apologize and do better. Neither of you should expect perfection, and you may have knee jerk assumptions and stumble into biases you didn’t even realize were there. Continually moving forward together is the goal.
If one partner calls out the other for a microaggression, repairing the situation is essential. There are a few key steps:
Acknowledge that you hurt them and ask for clarification if you don’t know why.
Validate their experience, even if you may not fully understand it.
Apologize for the harm you caused without making excuses.
Beyond self-reflection, looking through a resource like Micropedia and analyzing your reactions could be helpful. Discussing your concerns and unlearning journey with a therapist is also a good idea. You can also ask your partner for support, but keep in mind that leaning on them too much will put the burden of educating you onto their shoulders, which should not be their responsibility.
Building a Stronger Relationship Through Understanding
For a long-lasting and strong relationship, both partners must be able to empathize with each other – you may not be able to innately understand how they feel, but when they tell you, believe and respect them. On the other side, when your partner has hurt or upset you, you must be able to tell them, to prevent the actions from continuing and festering. These key communication points, as well as being able to learn from each other’s experiences, will make your relationship stronger.
If you would like to speak to a therapist, either individually or together as a couple, Michelle specializes in interracial relationships and would be glad to hear from you.
